


Beginnings, Endings, and the Space in between

by crackpairingprincess



Series: Tsukkikage Week 2016 [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Drug Addiction, M/M, Overdosing, Recovery, tsukkikage week 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 18:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8679475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackpairingprincess/pseuds/crackpairingprincess
Summary: Honestly, he missed the days when Tobio looked at him like he was the only thing he ever really knew. Recently, Kei may as well have been a stranger. Well, a stranger would have been better. At least strangers don't wake up one day and decide they don't love you anymore.





	

**Author's Note:**

> TsukkiKage Week Day 2: Fall/Night  
> Thanks to [Ally](http://iwafuckingoi.tumblr.com/) for reading over this for me. (´∀｀)♡
> 
> If you are struggling with addiction, there is help. Please call the National Drug Abuse Hotline 1-800-662-HELP (1-800-662-4357). For more information on Getting Help, visit [Recovery.org](http://www.recovery.org/)

Falling in love with Tobio hadn't been hard. Sure, the journey to get there was rough, and sometimes Kei wanted to quit, but it was never hard. No, falling in love wasn't the hard part. It's the fall that came after that hurt. 

\---

 

“Lately, I wonder why I even married you.” The words hold an ache so deep that Kei could almost feel it. And that’s quite a feat, since he hadn’t felt much of anything in awhile. 

 

But _almost_ is not _enough_ and Kei didn't even look up.

 

“I never understood why you did.” 

 

That hadn't been the response Tobio had been looking for. It didn't bring the satisfaction or the comfort he wanted, just a pressure in his chest and a sting behind his eyes. 

 

 _Because I loved you._ He wanted to say it, but the past tense didn't sit right on his tongue. He almost did anyway. _Because I loved you so much I would have given almost anything to fix you._

 

But _almost_ is not _enough_ , so he turned out the lights and crawled into bed. Kei’s arms circled him, drawing Tobio against his chest. The prickling feeling at the back of Tobio’s eyes finally spilled over, because nothing about this embrace felt worth it anymore. Not when Kei’s lips still tasted like whiskey, when his skin still looked so paper thin. 

\---

Kei never thought it would be Tobio who had had enough. He had been so sure that, of all things in his life, his relationship with Tobio was the most stable. But even solid ground can crumble.

\---

“I can't do this anymore.”

 

“Do what?” Kei hissed, even though he knew damn well what Tobio meant. But Tobio answered him anyway. 

 

“I can’t just stand here and watch you fall apart.”

 

Kei didn’t miss a beat, just picked at his skin in an effort to calm the itch he couldn't scratch. Not now, at least. When Tobio was in bed. Kei could wait. He could wait, _he could wait_.

 

“Then don’t.” Tobio’s face fell and crashed into a pleading expression. Kei still didn’t look.

 

“Kei, you need help.”

 

Kei spun on his heel, suddenly right in Tobio’s face and angry. It was nearly possible to forget that he was trying his damned hardest not to scream. 

 

“I don't,” he started, voice breaking and falling to a raspy whisper, “I don't need you to fix me.”

 

He was breathing hard and his chest hurt from holding back sobs, but he'd be damned if he let Tobio see him cry. But before he could turn around, run out of the room and get back to the dark silence of their bedroom, Tobio’s voice froze him to the spot. 

 

“Have you thought, for just one fucking second, that maybe you're not alone in this?” His words pressed on raw nerves, like the ghost of fingertips on a bruise. Tobio hadn't intended for them to hurt, and distantly, Kei knew that, but it didn't stop his hand from squeezing the counter’s edge until his knuckles turned white. The brunet didn't even blink, just sighed and looped his arms over Kei’s back, pressing him closer until no space was left between them. 

 

“It took me a long time to realize that it's okay to rely on someone else. I'm sure you remember what I was like in high school.

 

“What I mean is...I'm not trying to fix you, Kei.” His tone sounded soft enough to wrap himself in. But the words were only half truths, and that’s probably what hurt the most. “I _can’t_ fix you.”

 

That part, at least, was true. But maybe Kei shouldn’t have pulled away, because the look on Tobio’s face was something he never wanted to see.

\---

Honestly, he missed the days when Tobio looked at him like he was the only thing he ever really knew. Recently, Kei may as well have been a stranger. Well, a stranger would have been better. At least strangers don't wake up one day and decide they don't love you anymore. 

 

That was unfair to say, and he knew it. But it helped to justify the feeling of euphoria that followed the prick of the needle.

\---

Tobio only took what he needed. His toothbrush, most of his wardrobe, his favorite coffee mug. It was so little, but the house seemed so very empty without it. Without him. 

 

Kei didn't try to fill the void, not really. He tried to kill the sting of it, the ache in his chest. He couldn't blame Tobio for that, because it had been there for a long time, but at least Tobio quieted the voices in his head.

 

Akiteru came around a few times a week. Just to check in, to chat. Nothing different than when Tobio had been around. At least that didn't change; Akiteru was still Akiteru, was still his brother. 

 

Yamaguchi visited less often, but that wasn't much different either. They lived a few cities away from one another now, and most of their communication came through emails or the occasional Skype call. 

 

Every once in awhile, Kei would meet up with Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi for drinks, but that became harder as time passed. It's hard to watch your friends be in love when you're still trying not to be. It’s hard when your better half no longer wears your wedding ring.

\---

Time passed. A week. 2 months. Half a year. He's not sure what made him decide to do it, just that he wanted to. It wasn't the first time he’d thought about it; not by a long shot. But this time he was ready. 

 

The bottle belongs to Tobio. He had torn his rotator cuff a year ago during a game. The script was tiny and sort of hard to read, but it didn't matter. Kei knew what it said, had been reading the label everyday for months, ever since he found it hidden behind the box of tea Tobio liked.

 

**_Kageyama Tobio  
Percocet 10mg  
Take 1 tablet every 6-8 hours as needed for pain. Do not exceed 40mg in a 24 hour period.  
Refills: 0 _ **

 

Kei poured the bottle into his hand. There were 14 pills left. Tobio had stopped taking them as soon as the pain stopped keeping him up at night. Kei looked at the little white tablets in his palm, shifted them a bit. 

 

He took all 14.

\---

Kei woke up in the hospital bed with a single thought, _Well, that didn’t work_. 

 

Akiteru had been the first to see him. His older brother had been the one to find him, unresponsive and cold on his living room floor. Akiteru didn’t say much, for once. Maybe it was the after effects of having his heart stop, or maybe it was the dark circles under his brother’s eyes that made Kei say it.

 

“Akiteru?” His throat was so dry, the words felt like they were being ripped out, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

\---

Telling Yamaguchi was both easier and harder than saying it the first time around. His best friend had cried, messy and anything but pretty, but Kei thought that was okay, because happy tears were better than nothing.

 

They were certainly better than the sad stare Akaashi gave him, or the anger in Bokuto’s voice. It was better than Kuroo’s broken laugh, saying that it was _about fucking time._

\---

Tobio didn’t come until the shakes had stopped and the scabs on his arms had long healed over. Kei hadn’t been expecting him, he’d nearly inhaled his cigarette when he heard his voice. For the first time in nearly a year.

 

“Yamaguchi told me where to find you.” Tobio stood there, looking for all the world like he wanted to smile. 

 

“Why…?” It wasn’t the most intelligent thing to say after all this time, but Kei didn’t know how to say _I’ve missed you so much_. Tobio looked much the same as he had when he left, all dark hair and storm blue eyes. Though, he looked brighter now, like he’d been sleeping well, like he was happy. The thought didn’t hurt as much as it used to.

 

“I needed to see if it was true.” Tobio shifted his weight, just a step closer to where Kei was frozen against the brick wall. His blue eyes darted to the wedding ring still on Kei’s finger, then to the lit cigarette in his hand. “Those things will kill you.”

 

“One addiction at a time, King.” Tobio smiled then, and Kei smiled back.

\---

Tobio came to visit once a week after that. Visiting hours at the center were longer on Saturdays, so Tobio showed up at 12:30 sharp, right after Kei got back from group, and stayed until last call came at 8:00.

 

When they’re like this, just sitting on the floor in the calm blue of Kei’s room, it was easy to pretend they were still together, that Tobio never left, that Kei never tore them apart. It was almost easy not to ask. But _almost_ is not _enough_ and Kei forgot that Tobio was waiting for him to respond to his story about Hinata taking a volleyball to the face, but he chose to look into those big blue eyes for a long moment instead. 

 

“Why did you leave?” Kei knew the answer, but he needed to hear Tobio say it. The brunet’s eyes went wide before he looked away, took a deep breath. It was like he expected the question, sooner or later.

 

“I thought I was doing what was best. For both of us. I had to learn that I couldn't fix you if you didn't want to be fixed.”

 

Kei took a shaky breath in. “And now?” 

 

“And now,” Tobio moved closer, “I know that I can't fix you. Because you're not broken. You're just you.”

 

It drew a dry laugh from Kei, bitter and rough. His eyes looked dull behind the shadow of his glasses, but they were clear and the familiarity of them made Tobio's gut twist. He had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be trapped under that stare without the cloud of a high fogging up the honey brown gaze. He could never admit that he missed it.

 

“Yeah, well I'm kind of fucked up.”

 

There it was, still the same after all this time; that self depreciating sneer that made Tobio take that final move forward. The skin of Kei's arm looked so pale under Tobio's hand, the contrast as warm as the sun on his face. His fingers ran up and down the newly regained muscle of Kei's bicep, unsurprised when the blond didn't push him away. 

 

“Trust me. You're not nearly as fucked up as you think you are.”

 

Kei’s hand was still too thin, just paper skin stretched over brittle bone, but his fingers held Tobio’s tightly. Like he didn’t want to let go. His ring still sat in place, and it covered the tan line left where Tobio’s used to be.

 

“I’m...going to get better.” 

 

Tobio smiled, looked at him like Kei was all he ever really knew, 

 

“I know.”

\---

The first month away from the rehab center was difficult. It was so hard to go back to that empty apartment, to see everything the way he’d left it. To feel the itch start back up under his skin.

 

It made it easier when Akiteru and Yamaguchi showed up with empty boxes, and Kei was too distracted to be sad when Kuroo and Bokuto showed up with a moving truck, because _Jesus Christ, who let Akaashi drive?_

\---

“You can put the tv down in the corner, we’ll have to hang it up after the wallpaper comes down.” Tobio directed Bokuto and Kuroo around the room. He himself was trying to maneuver his oversized treadmill through the door. 

 

“Just turn it to the left- no, _my_ left!”

 

“Shut up, dumbass!” 

 

“ _Gaah!_ ” Tobio ended up in a pile on the floor with Hinata, arguing over who tripped who. Kei hid a smile behind the boxes in his arms. 

 

It took a full day, and more than a little bit of sweat, tears, and yelling, but when it was all said and done, Kei slid into bed next to Tobio and it made it all worthwhile.

\---

There’s a part of him that wants to go back; back to the pills and the smoke and the give and take of the high. It’s a part of him that will always be there, he thinks, but that’s okay. He’s okay.

 

He’s okay because he knows now that it’s not worth it. It’s not worth wasting away looking for the next fix, or being numb to everything but the high. It’s definitely not worth losing Tobio again.

 

“Kei, it’s late. You can look for more schools tomorrow.” Tobio’s arms wrap around the blond’s neck, his voice catching on a yawn. “Come to bed.”

 

Kei turns away from his laptop enough to kiss his husband on the temple. “Alright.”

 

Tobio’s wedding ring glints in the light of the laptop, and Kei smiles. The brunet straightens up and stretches. Kei stands too and touches his fingers to the other’s hip. There’s not such a stark contrast between their skin anymore. He doesn’t think about it, just pulls his husband close and leans their foreheads together. 

 

He’s not sure which one of them smiles into the kiss, it could be either, or both, but it feels right. The feeling follows them to their bed where Tobio curls up under Kei’s arm, breathing in the scent of warm vanilla and fabric softener. 

 

He almost doesn’t say it, because it would be the first time he’s said it out loud since he put his wedding ring back on almost three months ago, and it feels a little anticlimactic to say it now. But _almost_ is never really _enough_ , so he mutters it into the soft skin that no longer feels paper thin.

 

“I love you, Kei.” 

 

Kei holds him tighter and the itch is gone, for the moment, at least. Because this is what he’s been chasing. This is the high after his fall. 

 

“Yeah, I love you too, King.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be so much more angsty, but the naruto theme song came on my playlist and ruined everything


End file.
